So what do we really need from our partners? Humans are relational. It is natural and adaptive to have needs. And while they are individual and nuanced, there are universal human needs. I think about the universal needs in five core categories. We all need to feel safe, heard, seen, soothed, and treated as though we matter.
Safety first. It is physiologically impossible to be in connection while feeling unsafe. Our nervous system moves into fight-flight-freeze response during experiences of real or perceived danger. Creating safety is the first step to a fulfilling connection in relationship. Is your partner listening for signals from you? Does your partner notice and attend to the sounds, words, and the movement of your body. On one of my first dates with my partner, we were outside at Barton Springs with friends.
Even though he was ten feet away and talking to another person, he looked back, concerned that I was okay. At that moment, my partner heard me. Seen is being understood. Come here, let me hold you. As adults, we have the ability to self-soothe. But in relationship, we do rely on our partner at times to help calm our system.
Am I important to you? Do you care about me? Do I hold a special place in your heart? It comes from a biological need to belong and seek safety within community. These five needs are essential in relationship. Take a moment and notice your reaction to the five core needs: Being safe, heard, seen, soothed, and mattering. Do you have a stronger desire for one over the others? Are they being met in your relationship?
Do you know how to meet these needs for your partner? Sending you so much love and wishing you a romance that meets your needs! Do you ever find yourself wondering if your partner really cares about you? They might be loving and thoughtful, but you still feel doubtful about their attraction, commitment, or interest in you. Imagine how good you feel when your partner surprises you. Take me to Sway please. Humans crave demonstrations of love.
