As a therapist at Psychological Counseling Services PCS in Scottsdale, I see clients from all over the country who share the ineffective practice of numbing emotional pain with sex addiction. As we sit across each other establishing goals for the week, I feel the heaviness of the pain inside them. I can feel the frustration of the theme that runs through their body and mind; the theme of failure, loneliness, and loss. Sometimes I see another part, a deeper part, who has done it long enough to know that what was supposed to numb the pain is only making the pain worse.
That part has tallied the losses; the marriages, the jobs, and the friends. That part wants to shred the blanket in a million pieces and for good. Sex and sexual triggers are everywhere. Clients talk about the difficulties of going to malls where they face women in underwear with wings on their backs, and half-naked teens in sepia-toned ads on the storefronts where their kids want to buy blue jeans. Another overwhelming narrative from clients in terms of escalation or relapse involves the internet.
As of , the amount of content, including chat rooms, webcam sites providing live encounters, and downloadable apps the list is endless with access to casual sex, has exploded, making it difficult for addicts to establish, much less maintain sobriety. Internally, I see something different. I see individuals who long to connect, yet fear vulnerability and the risk it takes for healthy intimacy.
Real intimacy, however, involves the richness of building history with a partner, working through struggles and hardship together, and experiencing joy. The point of no return is different for every client. While the preference would be the addict initiating treatment rather than an external forcing it, there is at least an opportunity for the addict to do life differently when he or she enters therapy. Wayne had been sober from alcohol for 25 years, and then started having affairs a year into his second marriage.
He would say that his wife was the reason he sought treatment; however, he admitted he had never felt peace in his entire life, and needed to know what that felt like before he died.
